contemplating, just contemplating

i know it's been sometime,
but i've been busy, i've been tired, i've been lazy.

first and foremost, a big thanks
to my dearest church peeps who actually camped
in my house to surprise me on my birthday,
i was really tired, but i also remembered.
and thanks to everyone who remembered
and those who got me stuff too, though someone
just had to lose my birthday present before giving it to me, hah.
but still, thanks anyway.

a division is finally over.
it was indeed a great experience, though i did make grave stupid mistakes
but still, all in the name of hockey.
i did had a blast being here,
although it has been only 6 months.
now, it's time to focus on my studies.

that aside, i have been surviving.
school this year is as boring and tiring as ever.
everyone's just so low spirited, unlike last year.
i've been stressed, tired and more tired.
and i had a taste of insonmia too, HAHA!

i've learnt a few things over the past 1 month:
1) sometimes it's hard to choose between what's best and what you want
2) sometimes time does make the difference
3) sometimes it pays off to be less paranoid and less insecure

sometimes i wished i didn't care.
sometimes i wished i could care.
sometimes i wished things didnt have to work out this way.
sometimes i wished i wasn't so confused too.
i need to continue to look to Him whenever dark clouds cover my vision,
cos He's always there.

minutes to midnight

in these last few minutes
i'm spending some time thinking about how my life has been as an 18 year old.
the duration of which i was 18 has indeed been such a meaningful one,
of which i made such great friends
of which i tried out debating
of which i tried cheerleading
of which i joined hockey
of which i became camp master
of which i had countless bits of laughter, joy and tears..
it's just amazing how time flies
of how trials come and go
of how happiness comes and goes too.
i guess i'm really getting a real taste of life,
with my fair share of everything.
you know what?

i'm really gonna miss being 18.

what a friend i have in you

good friday and easter are over,
just like that.
i really had a meaningful weekend
though i had to wake up at 415 AM today
to be in church at 530AM.
tiring, but i had a great day ahead.

"hear the story from god's word
where kings and priests and prophets heard
there would be a sacrifice
and love would flow to pay sin's price

precious lamb of glory
love's most wondrous story
heart of god's redemption of man
i worship the lamb of glory

on the cross god loved the world
while all the powr's of hell were hurled
no one there could understand
the one they saw was christ the lamb

precious lamb of glory
love's most wondrous story
heart of god's redemption of man
i worship the lamb of glory"

i guess no one can ever comprehend his love
of how he suffer so much just to save us
when i sang that song on friday
i guess i couldn't help but tear.

that aside, this weekend has indeed be a good reminder.
i need to keep my spirit up!

i think i need to work on my eq
my impulsive thoughts have too much effect on me
in addition, i need to work on my so called
"self defence mechanism"
turns out to be a good-on-the-verge-of-becoming-wrong thing.

to think that i once considered you
to be the only friend i really had.
silly, isn't it?
as time answers
i guess i don't exactly need you that much actually (:

well, i've got the bestest friend
who's in and out of the world, literally (:

against the current

what a busy weekend in church
with more practices and practices to do =)
thank GOD everything went well today,
it's been great serving.
and a great message too;
i ought to start pondering over the right things.

sighs,
sometimes i just wished that
alot of things in my life didnt have to turn out this way
if i could go back in time,
i'll probably would have reversed ALOT of things
but it's no use looking back now.
like what i learnt today about not giving up
but to to take confidence in Him and move forward.
help me do what's right and wise;
that's my desire.
if only my flesh wasn't weak
when my spirit is willing.

sometimes i just wished things could be different
and that you could be different.
but right now,
i really wished you'll say that you'll go the extra mile for me
but i guess i'm in denial.

slipping through my fingers

times passes fast,
and the hols are over.
not much of a hol however, with hockey everyday,
it's practically my life in MI now.
as much as i love the game,
it sometimes really wears me out.
but as of now, i thank the Lord for safety, really.

today wasn't a very good day.
the weather was bad
i was all angsty and all,
i was struggling with my service prac
and i lost something for the first time in my life.
sometimes i really can't stand myself, esp my flaws.
i need HIM who refreshes and recharges me.
i can't go on like this forever..

it's been years already,
yet even striking a conversation now seems to be so tough.
what on earth is happening?
yeah, i guess now matter how much you've moved on,
it's hard to forget something/someone in which you're
put alot of emotions in;
that's life benjay.
what else can you do but to be strong in the Lord?
"He gives rest to all who are heavy laden"
i think this verse is all i need, for now.

celebrate good times cmon'

CT stats are out!
im top 5% in level and 14th of level =)
thank GOD for HIS blessings,
really wasn't expecting it.

my a's are out!
H1 maths: B
H1 chinese: E
it was a day of anxiety, hugs and tears.
i thank GOD for my results,
and i want the same or even better feeling when i get my H2s.
gotta work hard!

had hockey friendliess yest.
we won IJC 1-0
we won NTU 4-2 =)
it was kinda nerve wrecking in some sense,
im not used to this type of stress.
but it was a good experience,
learnt alot, yearning to improve even more.
anyways thank GOD i managed to survive with such a leg.
hope it heals faster though.

btw, bowling & (accompanying my friend)shopping was greatt.

food for thought:
it's pointless appreciating someone if you won't say it
it's pointless caring for someone if you won't show it.
love without action is tantamount to not loving at all.
if you care, show it.

goodnight y'all.

trigerrr

tis' been quite a while hasn't it?

i just wanna thank GOD for a few things:
1) relatively good CT results; top 7% in school (based on the fact i passed everything)
2) cleared my NAPFA with a silver; no more booking in 3 months early!
3) no injuries from hockey over the past 3 weeks
4) for the discipline to complete my sunday bible class homework, attending class regularly
5) for great friends in my life

life definitely isn't something very exciting or enjoyable all the time
sometimes it seems like there's more downs than ups
sometimes you feel confused, sad, lost, lonely, weary and discouraged
sometimes nothing seems to be able to lift you
yet somehow or rather there's this comforting hope and assurance
that there's someone watching over me, answering my cries, taking care of me
yes, sometimes life gets you down
but with GOD i know i'll be strong enough, strong enough to face it with a smile =)
after all, he saved me from this place.

i still need loads of wisdom;
to guide my thoughts, words and deeds each day.
i also need to sort out my priorities;
it about time i know what and who matters.

btw, i fell and scrapped my knees badly on saturday.
walking and sleeping and bathing has never been that uncomfortable before
and all that pus, grossed out man.
hopefully, i'll heal fast by wed.
i've already missed training today.

and it was so embarrasing in church
cos i was limping and my church friends so had to go
"eh! i see mas selamat, someone please call the police!"
and
"eh, actually i think you two look quite alike."
and
"you better be careful when you leave church, people might just come and nab you"
stupid asses. in front of everyone some more.
and while practicing for the men's item,
i wanted to help play a note on the piano (since i was the nearest to it)
to start off the note for the a capella,
wj so had to say
"eh i think i'll do it, since i walk faster than you"
darn, he was at least 5 metres away behind me!

okay, i'm off to bed.
laughing matters aside, i've still got loads of pondering and reflecting to do.